


we fall apart (as it gets dark)

by yellowcurtqins



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Loss, M/M, Misunderstandings, Swearing, a lot of this stems from my experience w my mom's death, actually just sorry for this, but not funny ones, confessional monologues to a person in a coma, i love you by billie eilish but somehow angstier, jesus guys i'm so sorry, no fluff literally all angst, sorry i pushed so much of myself into this, t for language, tw death, you'll cry bc i cried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-09-01 00:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20248936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowcurtqins/pseuds/yellowcurtqins
Summary: I love you, and I don't want to.





	we fall apart (as it gets dark)

**Author's Note:**

> tw - death, kinda violent reactions to death that stem from my trauma
> 
> haha sorry

𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠  
𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙮𝙣𝙖 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙡𝙖𝙪𝙜𝙝  
𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮  
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣’𝙩 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙖𝙮 ‘𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪’

My head snaps up, blood running cold as I look at him. His eyes are wide, his mouth open in shock. We stare at each other, unable to speak. 𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘩𝘦… 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵? My breath is shallow, hands shaking at my sides. Clearing my throat, I let my voice fall into the air. “TJ, I—”

“No, Cyrus, I get it,” he interrupts, standing abruptly and walking from my bed, not even bothering to grab his books.

“Teej, please—” I grab his sleeve frantically, but he shakes me off.

“I get it, okay?! You don’t love me. It’s fine. Just, please don’t make this any harder.”

“Make what any harder?” 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺. I follow him to the hallway, trying to stop him.

“Leaving, letting you break up with me. Or, you know what? I’ll do it.” 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱, 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱, 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱. 

“TJ, I’m don’t—” He spins around to face me. His eyes are coated with fresh tears, the sight rendering me speechless. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵, 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘐—

“Love me? I know. I’m sorry I love you. It’s over.” I can’t talk. I can’t breathe, I need to tell him, and 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵? 𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘐 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦? I open my mouth, closing it in horror when nothing comes out. I can’t do it. I know I feel it, but I can’t say it. 

I just stand at the door as he runs down the stairs, flinching when I hear the front door close. Tears blur my vision as my legs drag me to the living room window. I see TJ, walking down the driveway, turning onto the street. I see him stop and wipe his eyes pointlessly in the rain, blocking his sight, and I see a car and it doesn’t stop, doesn’t see him. 

My body numbs as I move to the front door, trying to warn him, throat closing with a scream, and 𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥. I sprint toward him, toward the stopped car as the driver gets out, toward something that has to be a nightmare, because I can’t lose him, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮—

I’m next to him, cupping his face as the driver checks his pulse. She nods at me, because, oh thank god, TJ’s breathing, and I smile tearfully at her, trying so desperately to keep myself from screaming at her. She tells me her name is Fawn, and she grabs her phone, calling the police. 

I look down, and TJ’s head is bleeding, he’s barely awake, and I can’t feel anything. I hear sirens as my parents run out to me, hugging me so tightly I can’t breathe. They wrap their arms around me, and it feels like a knife, feels like “I’m sorry for your loss,” but who have I lost? My eyes widen as I realize I might lose him, as I scream at every God I’ve ever heard of to 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘦.

I meet TJ’s eyes, and he smiles this little smile, and I break down into his chest. I scream the words that got us into this situation, I scream them over and over, because maybe they can wake him up. My face contorts as my parents drag me from him, as the paramedics drag him from me. When the ambulance leaves, a piece of me leaves with it.

𝙞𝙩’𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙚  
𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙚 𝙞’𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤  
𝙘𝙧𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙨𝙣’𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪  
𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙞 𝙙𝙤?  
𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙩𝙤  
𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝

I don’t remember going to bed, don’t remember shoving all our books off of my covers, don’t remember falling asleep. All I know is that, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can only hear a buzz, can only hear screams of 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦.

I’m hyperventilating as my mom comes in, as she wraps me in her arms and whispers, “breathe, baby, it will be alright.” Only, this time, I’m not sure it will. I look up at her face, at the dark honey of her eyes, and I allow myself to admit it to her. “I love him,” I say, my voice almost inaudible. “I love him, and he said the words, and I was too scared to tell him, so he left, and this is all my fault—” I let out a sob, my speech separated by hiccups. 

She shushes me gently, rubbing my back as I cry into her shoulder. “It is 𝘯𝘰𝘵 your fault,” she says, kissing my forehead. “And TJ knows that. TJ knows it’s not your fault, and he knows you love him.” I shake my head slowly, opening my mouth and letting my words fall between the hiccups, letting myself be scared.

“Mom, what if I lose him? What if I lose the love of my life?” She tears up at my worries, quickly moving to wipe away the water. 

“He’s a strong young man. So are you. You boys will be okay.” I lean into her touch as she cups my face. “You will get through this.” And, 𝘎𝘰𝘥, I hope she’s right. 

𝙪𝙥 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙤𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙚𝙮𝙚  
𝙞 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙬𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙡𝙮  
𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙬𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙧𝙮  
𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙫𝙚𝙨 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙚  
𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣’𝙩 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙧𝙮

After two days, people apart from TJ’s family are allowed to visit him. My mom drives me to the Shadyside hospital when we’re done eating lunch, and I’m not sure whether I’m dreading or anticipating this visit. I’m not sure what I’ll do when I see him. I’m not what I’ve done since the accident. 

My mom talks to me in the car, but I can barely hear her over the buzz. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. I fidget with my fingers as we pull up, flinching when my mom reaches over and holds my hand. For a second, I can feel TJ’s hand instead. I can feel his green eyes on me instead of my mother’s brown ones. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.

The halls are quiet as we walk into his hospital room, silent as I see his sister by his bedside. Amber rises from her chair, hugging me tight. I squeeze back just as tightly. We part from the hug, her fingers moving up to brush a strand of hair from my face. “Here’s to hoping he’ll be okay,” she whispers, a sad smile painted on her lips. 

I grab her hand, squeezing it firmly. “He will,” I reassure her. It hurts that I’m not sure. She places her hand on my shoulder briefly, before signaling to my mom that I should be left alone. When the door closes, I walk slowly to TJ’s side. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, I mouth shakily into the air. 

Sleeping, he looks almost peaceful, as if he could just be taking a quick nap. The tension is gone from his face, the tears dried from his cheeks. I watch his lips, waiting for him to smile, for the corners of his mouth to reach up and say hello. They don’t. And, neither do mine.

“Hi, TJ,” I say softly. My chest tightens as I sit on the edge of the bed. He can’t hear me. With a shaking breath, I continue. “Hi, baby. I miss you. I love you.” I fix his hair, moving the strands from his face. I trace the bruises, the freckles, that litter across his face. “I love you, and I’m sorry I got scared, I’m sorry I messed it up, I’m sorry you’re hurt because I was afraid to tell you.

“I’m sorry I let you know so late. I’m sorry I told you when your head was barely there, when you were probably in too much pain to hear me. I need you to wake up, basketball guy. I need you to come back to me, to stay with me. Please, baby. Because, 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬,” I say, letting out a sad laugh. “Fuck, I’ve never been more in love with anybody in my entire life, and the fact that you might not know that, it’s ripping me apart.

“Do you know when I fell in love with you, Theo? I fell in love with you at that swingset when we met. I fell in love with you 2 and-a-half years ago, Theo J. Kippen. I fell the moment you stared at me with that look in your eyes, right after I told you that you would know where to find me. I fell in love with you when we talked at that basketball game, when you taught me to do a somersault, when you helped me open a cider at my birthday party.” I’m crying now, grasping at TJ’s hands as I talk.

“I fell in love with you when you apologized to Buffy, fell harder when you helped her with tryouts, when we went dirt-biking, at the swings after that, and then harder at the pond. I fell in love when you came over and we baked those muffins, and you chased me around the kitchen because I got flour on your nose. I fell when you told me about your costume idea with that look in your eye, and when we rode around in the golf cart even after you got a detention.

“I fell in love with the way you looked at me, and you said, ‘cool, I’ll drive you there’. I fell for you again, and again, and again, when we sang 𝘉𝘰𝘳𝘯 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘞𝘢𝘺 at Andi’s party, when we made eye-contact across the dancefloor, when you told me how you felt on the bench. I fell in love with you when you kissed me at that basketball game in the beginning of ninth grade, and you said that you wanted everyone to know that you were mine, and then you kissed me harder. 

“I’m so in love with you, TJ, it fucking hurts. It aches in my chest how much I want you in my life. I want you, and only you, for the rest of my life. I can’t live without you, Thelonious Jagger Kippen. And, I know if you were awake, you would glare at me for using your full name, but your eyes would be smiling, and you would wrap me in your arms, and tickle me until I was gasping for air, and I would laugh so hard I snorted, and then you would kiss me.”

𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪  
𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤

“So, please, Theo. Wake up, wrap me up, kiss me. I’m sorry. I need you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” I lean up to him, placing a featherlight kiss on his lips, and moving up to press my lips to his temple. I squeeze his hand. “Come back to me, Theo. I love you.”

𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙢𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙜𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚  
𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙙𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜

I can’t stop thinking of his smile. I can’t stop thinking about the way his lips curled just barely, right before the paramedics took him. I can’t stop thinking of all the words that smile could’ve meant, all the 𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺’s and the 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’s and the 𝘐’𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶’s that his lips could’ve hidden with that smile. I can’t stop thinking about the words that his lips didn’t deserve to have hidden within them. 

The worst part of it all is that I think that smile was saying goodbye. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘦, my mind whispers into the cold air of my bedroom. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯. I can’t lose him. I 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 lose him. I can’t live without him. 

As I swipe through my camera roll, through the pictures of him that invade every day, I am interrupted by a knock on the door. I wipe my tears, standing up answer. When I open my door, my mom grabs my hand, leading me downstairs. She avoids my eyes, the look on her face too solemn. 

She walks with me into the living room. Andi’s and Buffy’s parents sit in chairs. Andi and Buffy sit on one of the couches, my dad, stepdad, and stepmom on the other. Buffy seems to have dried tears on her face. My mind goes numb.

𝙬𝙚 𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙖𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙖𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙨 𝙙𝙖𝙧𝙠  
𝙞’𝙢 𝙞𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙖𝙧𝙢𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙘𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙠  
𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚’𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙙𝙤 𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙖𝙮  
𝙞 𝙘𝙖𝙣’𝙩 𝙚𝙨𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪

“No,” I say, shaking my head. No. 𝘕𝘰, 𝘯𝘰, 𝘯𝘰. My mom speaks up, and I feel Andi and Buffy wrapping themselves around me. 

“Cyrus—” 

“𝘕𝘰.” I cut her off. “No.” She approaches me slowly, as if I’m a frightened animal. Fresh tears cloud my vision as she cups my cheeks. Her voice is soft, fragile almost.

“He didn’t make it, Cy. I’m so sorry, honey.” 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘯𝘰, 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦, 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦, 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵—

“You’re wrong,” I say. “You’re fucking wrong.”

“Honey, I’m sorr—” I stand up suddenly, pushing the girls off me.

“You’re fucking wrong!” I yell. She is. She has to be. He’s here, he’s okay, he’s fine. I laugh, the sound aching in my chest. “This is a really fucked up joke, you guys.” My mom softens, biting her lip to keep herself from tearing up. My dad speaks up.

“Cyrus, kiddo, TJ—” 

“Stop!” I yell, my voice strangled. I look to Andi and Buffy, who have seemingly been brought to tears by my outburst. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I sink to the floor, covering my head with my hands. “No, no, no,” I whisper. “No, no, no, no.”

A minute passes, and then another, and then another. And, it finally catches up to me. TJ is gone. My boyfriend, the love of my life. Gone. Our memories flash in front of me, and I punch the floor, feeling nothing in my hand as I keep punching, and punching, and punching. 

I get tired of punching, so I stand, and I run to my bedroom. I slam the door, running to my closet and pulling out TJ’s basketball hoodie. I let out a choked cry into my pillow as I cuddle into the hoodie. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. 𝘏𝘦’𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦, 𝘩𝘦’𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬—

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry dudes ... leave kudos and comments if I hurt your soul or if you liked it!!!
> 
> comment bros !! yell at me !! pls !! your opinions matter !!


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